


Broken Things

by A_Hawk



Series: Broken Things AU [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Shisasu, ShisuixSasuke, Slice of Life, shisusasu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:00:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28501140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Hawk/pseuds/A_Hawk
Summary: Sasuke’s journey of atonement is solitary and miserable, filled with memories of his past and the self-hate and guilt he was conditioned to feel by Konoha. He knows what he should be and what he should want but not what he is and what he wants. Until he finds something -someone- he would have never expected. Shisui. (Another Atypical) sequel to In The Dark.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uchiha Shisui
Series: Broken Things AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2087736
Comments: 25
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am very happy to see that the amazing rare pairing that is ShisuixSasuke became more popular since I wrote Victims of Peace, especially thanks to the cool Chinese fans who are very active and creative...there is nothing cooler to see your favourite rare pairing grow to be liked by cool people making videos and drawings and any kind of content...sooo I had this idea since forever and now I felt like I had to write it.
> 
> For those who don't want to read other pairings except for Shisasu, this fanfiction can be read as a single piece, but for better understanding and to better get into the mood for it, and to better understand Sasuke, I recommend reading In The Dark first. In The Dark is my 'in-universe explation' of what happened to Sasuke after the ending, when he was put in jail (if you watched the anime) and brainwashed/guilt tripped/tamed into submission. For me that jailed Sasuke was the missing piece of the puzzle of how he became his Shinden self and then his later stuff self. It's very dark and there is abuse/rape but for me it's basically canon behind the screen and it totally happened lol so it's important for my own writing, since In The Dark is the 'prequel' for different canon divergent fics such as Of Feathers And Fangs (dark Narusasu) and What He Wanted (itasasu darkish), and now of Broken Things.
> 
> Anyway, back to Broken Things, it's not going to be long but it's going to be intense I hope. The chapters will be shorter so I'll update quicker.
> 
> I use a lot of 'broken' stuff imagery. Even OFAF 2 To Repair With Gold refers to it.
> 
> Many naruto characters are broken. Sasuke is broken. Shisui too, if he didn't die, would be, having fought in war as a child (kind of), having suffered by the hands of Danzo and having seen Itachi suffering.
> 
> Also the title is inspired by Game of Thrones, when Tyrion says "I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples and bastards and broken things."

> " _Now, I'm lookin' to the sky to save me  
>  __Lookin' for a sign of life  
>  __Lookin' for somethin' to help me burn out bright" (Foo Fighters, Learn To Fly)_

In the Land of Water summers were hot and damp, autumn and spring were damp for the frequent rains and winter was no less, with its cold temperature and ubiquitous dampness.

It wasn't a problem for Sasuke though.

He had spent three years in Orochimaru's hideouts, and they were all hot and damp -the best environment for snakes.

_The best environment for making people wear little clothes._

_Except for Kabuto, who was always fully dressed._

_In the beginning it was hard to live there for Sasuke, so much that even his shorts were uncomfortable; he was given a yukata to wear when he wasn't training. He hated it but it was the only piece of clothing that wouldn't stick to his skin. With time he got used to that temperature and humidity, so he started to use pants again, but t-shirts were out of the question. Besides, his curse mark form had wings, so it was more practical to wear something open on his chest, that he could easily take off._

He had spent one year in a prison cell, in the Land of Fire, in the Hidden Village of the Leaf, and it was cold and damp too but he had gotten used to it. Or maybe not, he wasn't sure.

He didn't remember much of it.

Only voices calling him names _-traitor, lunatic, disgrace, criminal, whore-_ and hands all over him _-beating, groping, pushing him down and bending him over_.

He wasn't sure if they were real or not though. The seal on his eyes had messed him up. Once he was released Kakashi had explained that it only happened with guilty ones, that if he had a pure conscience he wouldn't have experienced such _nightmares_ , so he had called them, before warning him that this was the last time he would be pardoned, before threatening him to not even think about betraying Konoha, him and Naruto again, because should it happen he would be executed immediately.

As if he cared to live or to die, he first had thought, soon hating himself though, because Itachi had sacrificed his whole life for him and it was a dishonor to his memory to even think such things.

_Those voices -those nightmares- calling him a disgrace were right if he had such thoughts._

Behaving in a wrong way towards the village would mean behaving wrongly towards his beloved brother; behaving in a wrong way towards his best friend who never gave up on him would mean behaving wrongly towards his best friend too, since Itachi had entrusted him to Naruto.

But he didn't want to betray them. Not again. Not after all they did for him.

* * *

Since he had been released from jail Sasuke felt a permanent weight over his heart.

It was a weird sensation he never had before, as busy as he had been planning and enacting revenge.

_He had felt lost in the past, when all his world and the truth that formed it had been shattered, with the massacre first, and the reasons behind it after._

_That was a totally different sensation though, like being weightless against the strongest winds dragging him in every direction, until he could steel himself with plans and strategies._

This weight felt less leavy the farther he got from Konoha. Getting on a boat eased it a little more.

_The weight never ceased to be though. It was always there, a reminder of his sins._

_Sometimes it made him feel sick, like_ _self-loathing, because he had done so many bad things._

* * *

While he was waiting for the ship to sail he spent time in the harbor, feeding the seagulls and watching the villagers living their lives.

A child sneaked out of nowhere to follow two young boys fishing. Once he caught up to them one scolded him, saying that he was told to stay at home, that his disobedience would make their father angry and their mother worried. The child smiled and replied that he had asked their parents' permission and they had accorded it as long that he would never leave his brother's side. The older brother took in the new information and nodded, authoritatively commanding the child to do as he was told, because he was there to fish, not to play, and water was very dangerous for those who couldn't swim.

The other boy, who looked a little older than both, chimed in then; he crouched in front of the little one and playfully appointed him as their helper, promising that if he behaved he would teach him how to swim, so that his grumpy brother would stop worrying.

The scene reminded him of his childhood.

_When he still had one. When he was happy and ignorant of the world around him._

_Of the pain his brother was feeling._

When Itachi had free time he would have liked to play with him and he would feel sad when he instead spent time with Shisui, but since he liked their cousin too, sometimes he would follow them and watch them from a distance.

_Now he knew that it was impossible that they didn't notice his presence, but back then he didn't realize that they just pretended not to, so that he would think his ninja tracking skills were good._

Sometimes he would come out and watch them shyly, trying to disturb them as little as possible because Itachi was categorical: when he trained it was dangerous to get too close, or he might get hurt.

_Always trying to protect him by keeping him at a distance._

Shisui was more relaxed. He often joked that only two things could happen if a flying shuriken got too close: he would either be able to avoid it or he'd experience how painful it was. In both cases he would have learned something important.

Sometimes, when they were resting after their training was over, the eldest would teach him things. Like swimming or correctly handling kunai.

_Even before he started Academy he had yearned to learn, to become strong, to make his father proud -as proud as he was of Itachi._

_Back then he hadn't realized that it was impossible, for he wasn't a genius like his older brother._

* * *

Around the Hidden Mist village there were more hideouts for criminals than in any other area, making the Land of Water the most unsafe shinobi country.

Orochimaru had one there too; it was where Sasuke had observed his first experiment on a prisoner. Even Obito, when he had presented himself as Madara, had a hideout there, they had briefly visited it once.

The purpose of the Uchiha's journey was to atone for his crimes through good deeds, and so he had done since his trip had started, despite his silent nature, approaching people in need and offering them help.

_He had always tried to help people in need, actually._

_He had done his missions well when he was a genin, going out of his way to protect their clients, and he had freed Orochimaru's prisoners when he had defeated him._

_He hadn't always succeeded though._

_He hadn't really helped Team Taka. Kakashi had told him that they had been pardoned as well but they hadn't been allowed to stay in the village; moreover, if he had gotten close to them he would have put them in Konoha's radar again._

_Sasuke cared about Karin, Suigetsu and Juugo, he had really wanted to free them, he had enjoyed their company during the dark times when he was seeking out his brother and after, and he was really grateful for their help; he certainly didn't want to destroy their lives._

_He didn't want to do it anymore, for what he had done for them had been dragging them in his criminal plans -so he had been told._

_He hadn't really helped the people he had protected during the war alongside Naruto, because when it was over he had fought his best friend and rival, who had defeated him, and saved him from the darkness. He hadn't really helped them and he wouldn't have helped them if he had won that fight because everything he had wanted -even freeing the oppressed and changing the system into a just one- was wrong, the delusion of a lunatic who had fallen into the darkness, or, as Tobirama had defined it, the Curse of Hatred._

It was important to clear criminal hideaways from the dangerous things that might be inside and that other criminals might find and use. It was a good deed, a way to atone for his sins.

Besides, as an Uchiha, it was only natural to clean after another Uchiha's mess.

_According to the Second Hokage the Uchiha clan was possessed by evil._

_According to Naruto it didn't matter, the only thing that mattered was him, Uchiha Sasuke, his friend and rival, the one who hadn't understood his brother -unlike him- and the one who had made mistakes but whom he had saved._

* * *

When he traveled with Team Taka the tracking was up to Juugo and his birds, and to Karin's sensing abilities.

_He had gotten used to traveling with them, to calming the girl and Suigetsu's bickering, to checking on Juugo, eventually taking the brunt of his crises and reassuring them that he was alright when they were over._

_Despite his silent and aloof nature he had missed them, when he had started his journey._

_It was only his fault if he was alone though, and he knew it, just as he knew that now for them it was, paradoxically, to stay with Orochimaru, the one who had manipulated, abused and experimented on them, than with him._

Now he could have used Rinnegan but he didn't.

He never did. In fact he had used it only during the war, as it was incredibly draining for his chakra and stamina.

Besides, he had never wanted such power.

_Whenever he thought about his Rinnegan or whenever he touched his left eye in his mind always resounded the same words._

" _Such a strong weapon in the hands of a worthless traitor"._

_So Kakashi had said. Or was it someone else? He didn't remember, back then the voices in the cell, and in his head, were so many that he couldn't tell one from another, he could only understand what they said and they all told him that he was worthless, that he was wrong, that he was a traitor, that he was only able to bother others and drag them along his delusional plans._

His childhood experience of following his brother and cousin had helped him to hone not only his tracking skills but also his instinct, that would fill the gaps when he couldn't find traces to follow; like he was doing now, in the thick dark forest surrounding the Hidden Mist, not close enough to be detected but not far enough to let his guard down.

During the months he had spent with Obito, before he was transplanted with Itachi's eyes, they had moved a few times from one safe place to another, Sasuke had observed and memorized his quirks and habits.

_Would it have been different if he had known that he wasn't Madara? Probably not._

_Back then he didn't know much about the history of his clan, and despite being suspicious of someone who claimed to should have died ages before and who hid his face behind a mask, and despite not fully understanding his unusual powers, Sasuke had admired his strength and his knowledge of everything Uchiha related, including, and especially the truth about his brother._

_Would it have been different if he hadn't met Itachi in the woods? Undoubtedly yes._

_Back then he had no interest in that war; in fact he had planned to take advantage of the chaos to have his revenge on the shinobi world for good._

_Back then he was angry and revengeful._

_Meeting Itachi, fighting side by side with him, having him close albeit for a short time had changed his perspective, putting him in the path his brother had wanted him on, joining Konoha, joining Naruto on the battlefield._

_Until he had messed things up again, fighting against Naruto and losing to him._

_It had been for his own good though, for back then his friend had saved him from the darkness; his friend who had known Itachi for the short time of a fight yet he had understood him better than he had ever did, or so he was told, just like he was told that everything he had ever wanted and fought for was wrong._

_He had lost an arm during that fight, and in its place he had gained a constant inner heaviness, for the guilt he carried within._

* * *

There was a chakra anomaly on a tree trunk.

Sasuke had first sensed it when he had been there with Obito, who had praised him for being so sharp, adding that despite their sharingan not all Uchiha could have detected it.

As used as he had always been to absorb everything he could from those he admired, he had memorized the seal the elder had used to hide the entrance.

He then placed his fingers in a specific space the other had touched: an opening appeared and quickly closed after him, a security measure and not a trap.

Not for sharingan users at least.

Like every other hideout he visited with the one he had thought to be the Uchiha founder, there wasn't much inside. Only a few simple rooms with basic items, a storage space for equipment and supplies, and an eerie silence covering everything like an invisible veil.

_On the contrary Orochimaru's were full of objects and voices and chakra -and they were all broken, one way or another. Just like Juugo, Suigetsu and Karin._

_And just like him, a voice inside him whispered, but he pushed it back because he was guilty and he was worthless. Even of his own attention._

He and Obito seemed to have something in common: having grown up all alone after the massacre, Sasuke was used to the silence and he had never kept many things either.

_They had something else in common, being both traitors who had committed crimes._

_Obito has paid for his sins with his life. He had lost only an arm, and he hadn't wanted any replacement, as further self-punishment, and as a reminder that he was a worthless traitor who didn't deserve anything -as if he could ever forget._

He decided to spend the night there. Or the nights. He didn't have another place and he didn't have a destination. In fact he didn't have anything.

He didn't want anything either. Yet this place belonged to a clansman. To family, in a way.

_Konoha was his family, Naruto had told him when he had saved him from the darkness._

_He didn't feel it though. He couldn't, and he wanted it so badly because if he did it would have meant that he was no longer a disgrace, that he was ready to live like a good shinobi, like his brother had wanted for him._

* * *

Sasuke woke up in the middle of the night.

He had dreamed of his brother; it was confused and he didn't really see him but he was sure that his voice was calling him, and he turned around but he wasn't there and yet his voice was, so he looked around to find him but he couldn't and he felt anguished and alone until he had jolted awake.

Surely it was a consequence of being in this place that since his arrival had brought memories of the time Obito had told him the truth about Itachi.

_How ironic that waking up in a cot, with his wounds treated by a shady Uchiha he had never seen, and listening to him reveal the truth about the brother he had just unknowingly killed was the closest thing to family he had ever had since the massacre._

Getting back to sleep was impossible so he got up and wandered around, observing with new eyes what he had previously scanned for any traps and dangers, thus finding a little underground stream providing running water, a sort of heating system and even food supplies, kept under seal so to not get spoiled.

The new discoveries got Sasuke thinking.

His clansman must have spent a lot of time here at some point, as he knew for sure that not all his dens had such facilities, and not in such good quality.

_They usually had water, but in some it was limited, in others it wasn't; Suigetsu would bathe for hours where there was no risk of shortage._

_Food wasn't always available. Sometimes Zetsu would hunt animals that he didn't eat because he didn't eat anything that bled, because their blood reminded him of his parents' pooling on the floor of his childhood house. Sometimes Karin went to the closest village to buy some; she always asked Obito for more money, claiming that the boys ate a lot, even though she would buy delicacies for herself with that extra. Juugo helped her carry the stuff while she made sure they were not followed upon their return._

_Heating was almost never available, instead._

There was something special about this place and he wanted to find out what it was.

For the first time after the war he activated his Rinnegan and examined every corner again.

* * *

It was almost undetectable but he found another chakra disturbance.

Not knowing the seals used to create it, he had to try over and over, tapping into his knowledge, his experience, his memories of what he had observed from Orochimaru and all the strong shinobi he had encountered, allies and enemies alike.

He remembered a certain way Obito had to move his fingers; he remembered Madara, the real one, having a similar mannerism; there might have been a connection, since the Uchiha founder had taken the younger when he was on the verge of death, healing his body and manipulating his mind until his goals was the younger's, until the younger took his place, acting like him, until he would return.

He used that as a basis and let his instinct fill the gaps.

It took him time and effort -he wasn't a genius like his brother- but he broke the seal, discovering more space where apparently there was a wall.

He ventured in the corridor with his eyes activated and his ears open, following the sounds of machines, slight shivers running down his spine because it reminded him of Orochimaru's lairs, where even though he had never been afraid for himself _-as expected of someone who he had promised to give him his body to the sannin, in exchange for strength, so that he could have revenge on his brother-_ he had never gotten used to people being tortured and experimented on, despite he would always act impassible, steeling himself by focusing on his goal.

* * *

The sounds came from a room with tubes seemingly springing from both the ceiling and the floor, tangled like a spiderweb, holding a person at mid height, pieces of fabric strategically placed on their lower body and face showing only that it was a man.

This unusual spider web-like arrangement was a clever way to both keep his functions under control by monitoring and sustaining him, and providing support to his body so that he wouldn't suffer from bedsores.

Which meant that he had been there for a long time.

Why was he there? Obito didn't do experiments on people. He loathed physical contact.

_Sasuke had always thought that Obito's ability to become intangible was a projection of this._

_Like Naruto's loneliness turning into his ability to multiply himself._

_In his case it was ironically different, for as an Uchiha his strongest trait was doujutsu, and yet he had always been kept in the dark and he had always pursued the wrong goals, misunderstanding his brother -so he had been told- and not even the Rinnegan he had been granted had changed him, for he had tried to kill his best friend._

Could it be that it had something to do with Kabuto?

It didn't make sense though; it was the sannin's disciple who had sought Obito out, while Obito had always kept him at a distance, him not being a part of his original plan.

He wouldn't have given out his hideout to him, and he certainly wouldn't have given out such an accurately concealed space.

Besides, after having spent three years with him and Orochimaru, he would have found his traces, and he would have recognized his specific seals.

Something was off.

Sasuke's instinct was screaming at him that this wasn't a random prisoner.

Especially when he took off the fabric and found another seal hiding his face.

Once again he tried different ways to undo it, once again his instinct helped him, even though his hands were trembling and his heart was racing.

He had just dreamed about his brother. In his dream his brother's voice was calling him and he was looking for his brother; in reality he had found a secret room with a man inside.

Despite trying to be rational, a part of him was desperately hoping that it was him.

After all, he had never seen Itachi's corpse; he had just been told that he was dead.

_Even if he had met his Edo Tensei form, even if his Edo Tensei form had fought by his side, even if his Edo Tensei form had placed his forehead on his own before leaving forever._

_If there was an Edo Tensei form it could only mean that he was dead._

* * *

"Release"

Sasuke whispered, following his intuition for one more try, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes while placing his fingers on the unknown man's forehead.

He stopped breathing as soon as he opened them again.

It wasn't Itachi.

It was Shisui.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> Like the previous time I remind you that you can read this as a single piece but it's better to read In The Dark first, so Sasuke's mental and emotional state makes more sense.
> 
> The 'poisoned Shisui' detail comes from the Itachi Shinden book.
> 
> I totally and intentionally quoted myself from VoP at some moment, after all this is my ship haha

> _"I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems_   
>  _I've got to open my eyes to everything" (Evanescence, Bring Me To Life)_

It was Shisui.

Even if he had aged, Sasuke could recognize his features: the distinctive shape of his nose and lips, and his curls, despite his hair being much longer.

It was his cousin.

The one his brother had lied about killing, only to show him, in the very end of his time as an Edo Tensei, his real fate. How he had been targeted by Danzo, who coveted his kotoamatsukami so badly that he had poisoned, then mercilessly attacked him. How, knowing that he would die soon, he had given his precious remaining eye to Itachi, before jumping off a cliff.

Seeing the one who used to be so strong and yet so kind to him, unconscious, vulnerable and alone, Sasuke was overwhelmed with a mix of nostalgia, regret and anger.

_Having been raised strictly, Sasuke was an obedient child._

_Nevertheless, albeit rarely, he did throw little tantrums. Like that one time he really wanted to play with Itachi, who was about to go out and train with their cousin._

_Sasuke had naively offered to train with him and Itachi had explained that for the training to be effective he needed to do it from the best, like Shisui._

_For the child everything the elder said was absolute truth; that's how Itachi had manipulated him, after all, making him believe that he had killed his own clan to test his strength. At the same time though, it was impossible to believe that someone might be stronger than his big brother._

_Later Obito had told him stories about the Uchiha clan, from old traditions and habits to anecdotes about its strongest members. He had also mentioned Shisui as a young prodigy known as The Body Flicker, that made enemies flee on sight, and as the wielder of kotoamatsukami, the strongest doujutsu, that influenced people's minds without them realizing._

_It was easy to understand why his brother admired him so much._

* * *

Sasuke used his eyes, together with three years of experience with Orochimaru, both as a witness and as a subject of experiments, to figure out how the machines that kept him alive worked.

He was extremely careful, his goal being to wake him up without causing him harm.

_He couldn't lose his family again._

First he interrupted the chakra flow from the tubes, then he placed a sort of armchair found in another room, so that upon waking up Shisui wouldn't find himself neither suspended midair nor lying on a table like a specimen.

_He had found himself in both positions for Orochimaru. Many times._

Never taking his eyes off him in case he had problems breathing on his own, he pulled him off the tubes and patiently waited.

He was startled when he saw a pair of sharingan eyes that weren't supposed to exist anymore, staring back at him.

* * *

The intricate system that had sustained Shisui had provided him nutrients, a minimum amount of chakra, and also, somehow, had safely sent electric impulses to stimulate his muscles and prevent them from atrophy, thus Sasuke expected his body to be as healthy as it could be, given the particular situation.

What he didn't expect was that, despite the long immobility, Shisui sprung forward in a split second, and threw him against the wall, grasping his throat with one hand and with the other pinning his wrist.

His sharingan was spinning crazily but he wasn't using it; he was acting out of pure instinct, rage and fear, like an animal trying to escape from his cage.

"I'll fucking kill you Obito!"

Not having talked in ages his voice was muddy.

"Shisui...it's me...Sasuke..." the boy managed to say.

His words reached the elder after a while; when they did he just looked at the other, trying to understand without loosening his grip.

His sharingan steadied, a sign that he was using it.

He gave a good look at that young man with sunken cheeks and haunted eyes.

That person was once familiar to him, he could tell, he could feel it, but was he telling the truth? And if he was, how could it be that Sasuke had grown up so much? How long had he been there?

"Snap your wrist to give the shuriken spin…" Sasuke continued, "but do it at the last moment or it won't reach the target..."

One time when he was a child tagging along his brother and cousin, Sasuke had obtained their attention by throwing shuriken, something he had had just, something in which he was putting great effort, something in which he wasn't exactly good at yet.

He had wanted to impress his brother so much but the more he was being looked at by him the more he was failing. Shisui had told Itachi to head home then, while he would stay a little longer and practice with the child.

He had said practice, making him feel like a grown up shinobi, and he had given him advice and praised his progress.

_He had always been a fast learner._

The secret, he had explained, was in the right timing to move the wrist: if too early the throwing would have not enough power to reach the target, if too late, in case there was an opponent, they would have taken advantage to make their move.

_When, the following day, he had shown his new skills to his brother, not only he had praised him, he had also told their father about it._

He had used the exact words Sasuke just delivered.

Those words had been useful to impress Itachi back then, and now they were useful again: Shisui looked in his eyes, remembering and realizing that it wasn't Obito or white Zetsu taking a different shape.

It was Itachi's brother.

The shy child who, when he had first met him, was almost hiding behind Itachi, his big black eyes wide open as he was grabbing his big brother's shirt, until he was told to greet his cousin properly, when he delivered the polite introduction he had been taught for the occasion.

It was Sasuke.

The pure child born after the war, who had given Itachi a reason to smile after having witnessed its horrors.

The hard working child Itachi was worried about, because their father compared them too much which would have meant constantly losing to a genius no matter how precocious, clever and gifted he was.

The innocent child Itachi wanted to protect by keeping him in the dark, because the clan was planning a coup and whatever would have happened that little boy would have suffered without even understanding why.

He loosened his grip and suddenly collapsed in Sasuke's arms.

* * *

Whenever Juugo had one of his crises Sasuke was the one who faced him, using sharingan to calm him down. In the beginning it was an easy task lasting an instant, but with time he got used to doujutsu and it was harder and harder, so much that on many occasions Sasuke had taken the brunt of them, even physically, before succeeding.

Karin and Suigetsu's task was to carry Juugo's unconscious body to a comfortable place.

Being tall and extremely muscular he was heavy, so Suigetsu would complain that Sasuke should have helped them as well, while Karin scolded him because he had just calmed him down and had taken hits from him, so complaining was selfish and rude.

She would look at Sasuke with a tender face that turned into a weird expression; Suigetsu would mock her for hitting on the Uchiha and, being her arms busy, she would kick him.

Shisui wasn't as big as Juugo but he was tall and muscular as well.

Sasuke could have put him in a random, closer cot, but he felt that his cousin didn't deserve that, and that it was better to place him where he had slept, being that room cleaner and warmer. It wasn't an easy task: it took time and effort to carry him there, as spent as he was after a sleepless night and everything that followed.

_He had many sleepless nights in his life._

_After the massacre he would almost always cry himself to sleep, sometimes he just stayed awake until the tears stopped falling but his heart didn't stop bleeding._

_With Orochimaru, and sometimes later, he played out his strategy, imagining to fight Itachi, or, after knowing the truth, to kill all the people responsible for his horrible fate._

_Many times he had woken up after terrible nightmares, yet this was the first time that a nightmare had brought him something good._

Sasuke's body was exhausted but his mind was hyperactive after finding the cousin he thought was dead and gone forever.

_Maybe it was his brother's will, that's why he had appeared in his dream._

_Maybe his brother was still protecting him._

He wanted to know what had happened to him and he wanted to ask him so many things, about their lives back in the old days, about the clan, about his brother.

In his thoughts past, present and future were frantically crossing each other and clashing over and over, as he was making hypotheses on what could have happened to the elder, how to tell him what he had missed so far in the best way, and what he could do from now on.

What they could do from now on.

_They could go back to the village and live together like family._

_They could talk, they could train, they could work, they could cook and eat together like family._

_They could go to the cemetery together._

_He had never gone to the cemetery with anyone._

_During his journey, as he was acting in Konoha's place investigating a weird case of people exploding, he had seen a group of people praying by the grave of a lost relative; it was the first time he had seen such thing, as the Uchiha compound used to have its own graveyard and, when he was in the village, being the only Uchiha alive he was always all alone there -like everywhere else, in the district, in the Academy, in his own head._

_He would regularly care for his parents' graves and then his other relatives' and clansmen's, cleaning the stones and pulling off weeds._

_Currently the cemetery, as well as the compound, didn't exist anymore._

_It had been destroyed during Nagato's attack and since there was no clan, no one had bothered rebuilding it. There was nothing related to the Uchiha clan in Konoha, except for a_ _commemorative stone in their cemetery. Most of those who had lived during the founders' era had been forgotten, so most of the names in the stone had the same date of death._

_Other than that there was nothing else, and no mention of the massacre, that was still officially considered Itachi's action._

_The very thought of his brother's tainted honor made him feel sick._

_He had told people the truth. He had told Naruto, Tsunade, Kakashi. His jailers. Didn't he?_

_He couldn't remember what had happened in jail but he suddenly felt a pang of nausea and the smell of dirt and dampness and something weird in his nostrils._

_Those voices and things he had talked about were just the nightmares of a guilty conscience, Kakashi had told him. It didn't matter that he had wanted justice for his brother; he had committed crimes whose price he was paying for, in the darkness of his cell._

_Every time Sasuke's mind fell in that trap of memories he didn't remember, sensations he wouldn't explain and nausea he couldn't control, it was hard to get back to the surface._

_This time though it was quicker, for he had someone to take care of._

_He was worthless, even of his own attention, was the last thing his inner voice told him._

* * *

When Shisui woke up, hours later, he found Sasuke leaning on the wall, dozing, fatigue having gotten the better of him. Being a light sleeper though, he opened his eyes when he perceived the other's turning and rustling in the simple futon.

"How are you feeling? Do you have any pain?" He asked, scanning him with sharingan.

_Shisui did the same, just in case._

_He tried sharingan, then mangekyou. He had both._

_He didn't think he would._

"Are you hungry? There is a lot of food here, I don't remember what you like but I can prepare something quickly".

He didn't reply. He got up tentatively and just as tentatively he moved his legs, his feet, his arms, assessing his conditions. The previous night he had moved on adrenaline only; now it was harder to stand upright, his first steps were wobbly and his breath was ragged.

"Your lungs are alright, like all your vital organs. Your muscular tone is good too, the machines kept you in good shape. You just need to get used to being in an upright position again but in one or two days you'll be perfectly functional".

Sasuke said, not minding that the elder hadn't spoken anything yet.

_Suigetsu had once told him that every time Orochimaru took him out of the holding pool he felt uncomfortably heavy and dizzy, that he would have adjusted quickly because it was his peculiar ability to liquefy himself and get solid again, but in the water there was something slowing him down, since he was a prisoner._

_Sasuke figured that Shisui had been in a similar position. Besides, he didn't know exactly what to say or to do either._

"Are you really Sasuke?"

Shisui's voice was croaky. The boy nodded.

"Where is Obito?"

* * *

The elder stretched, then he bent one arm, then the other. He moved his neck, his wrists, his fingers. Then he stretched his back -he tried at least, wincing. He tried again, more slowly, controlling his breathing.

In the meantime Sasuke was replying to his question in a way that was exhaustive but not traumatic: he knew how it felt to wake up not knowing what day it was or what he was supposed to do, and to be given so many information that what was left of his perception of truth and reality crumbled, along with those questions fell into a pit of despair and loss, along with his very sense of self.

_How ironic that he had felt this way waking up in one of Obito's hideouts as well._

He explained that Obito was dead more than a year ago.

_Maybe two years? After traveling alone for a number of months he couldn't count, and after spending one year in jail -so he was told- his sense of time wasn't accurate._

He explained that Obito had waged war against a shinobi countries alliance that was still functioning; that behind him there was Madara, who in return had been manipulated by black Zetsu in behalf of Kaguya, whose supernatural nature the boy illustrated in a simple yet specific way, so not to flood him with information about something that wasn't anymore.

Apparently focused on his movements, Shisui was taking in all the information, sometimes looking at the other while trying to figure out what was harder to understand.

"Sasuke. How did you get here?"

He asked as he tried walking back and forth in small steps, leaning on the wall for support, since despite the machines his legs were weaker than his upper body.

"I told you. I knew there was an Obito hideout here".

Sasuke replied without offering his help, thinking that it was better to not invade his personal space and dignity for the time being.

"How did you know? Wasn't Obito an enemy?"

Sasuke nodded vaguely. He could have easily proved his loyalty saying that despite having spent months with Obito, despite having been transplanted Itachi's eyes by him, despite having associated with his criminal organization, he had fought in the war, he had helped Itachi dispelling Kabuto's Edo Tensei, that he joined the battlefield bringing the past Kage, fighting Madara and almost dying by his hand, that he had been fundamental to defeat Kaguya, but he didn't. He couldn't. He couldn't say anything about himself.

_He was a criminal whose ideals and goals had always been wrong, so he was told._

_He wasn't an enemy but he wasn't better than Obito._

Shisui could tell that the younger was sincere. His shame was sincere.

As the boy was hesitating, he spoke again.

"You're not wearing a uniform...you're not on a mission".

That was a good point. Sasuke was dressed like a traveler, with an all black attire, sandals and bandages over his calves, no symbol of belonging to a village.

"You're not on a mission from Konoha," he continued when the younger shook his head to his question, "But you broke through the highest level security system...so...is this a secret mission Fugaku assigned you, for the clan?"

It was an unexpected question: Sasuke was so used to his father, mother and clan being dead that he had forgotten that his cousin, his brother and even Obito, had lived in a period where shinobi were sent on mission by the village or by their clan leaders, in secret.

The elder could tell that something was off with Sasuke: his reactions seemed sincere, he looked ashamed and sad -more than sad- but he wasn't telling him the truth.

Having always been a good judge of people, not being able to understand what was happening, Shisui started feeling nervous and confused.

_Even when he had been summoned by Danzo, he knew it was an ambush, he just thought that he could have handled it, not knowing that the old man had Uchiha eyes implanted on his arm thus he could use Izanagi to render his attacks useless._

_He knew it was an ambush but he was desperate because if he didn't go Itachi would have been involved and he wanted to spare his cousin, and most important person._

"There is no mission".

Sasuke said after a long silence.

"There is no clan..."

He whispered, tightening his fists in a ball.

"There is no father of mine..."

His voice was barely audible, his head hung low.

Shisui's legs stopped working; he fell on his knees.

"So he was telling the truth...the clan was destroyed..."

He remembered well how Danzo had been threatening Itachi with a military action against the Uchiha; to prevent it, he had decided to use kotoamatsukami on their clansmen, to change their minds about the coup d'etat, even if he had hated the very thought of it, even if he had been forced to commit suicide instead.

Then he had even if he had been found by Obito, who had done things to him, who had told things to him, but he hadn't trusted him, and he hadn't believed any of his words.

Including the news about the Uchiha massacre.

Sasuke rushed to support him but the other refused his help, as shocked as he was.

"Sasuke…where is Itachi?"

Shisui asked. Sasuke's forlorn expression was as eloquent as the reply his mouth couldn't give.

"He's dead..."

He stated, then, after a long silence, he asked:

"How?"

Despite the desperate, burning self-loathing, Sasuke forced himself to look straight in the other's eyes.

"I did it...I killed him".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said in ch1, I like juusasu and I would like to write something about them in the future, but since now I don't have time I mentioned him a lot. As well as Team Taka, they are underrated characters, they are sasuke's best friends and companions and I want to give them justice, so in this fic even though they're not important for the plot, they are important for sasuke, who (both in the fic and in canon) is a loner but he was always with them, so it's sad that canon separated them, even in his journey.
> 
> I'm not a big fan of shiita except for some fanarts, but at the same time I kinda think it's canon behind the screen, besides even though I find it boring as a main story, I find it cool as a backstory. VOP much lol
> 
> When Shisui mentions Fugaku and Sasuke says 'there is no father of mine' I wrote it like this because in japanese he'd say 'tousan ja nai' but in english it doesn't work, and 'there is no father' sounds generic at least to my non native ears, and he wouldn't have called his father by name, it's disrespectful.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter. In the past I wrote longer ones but the updates were slower, now I will update more quickly but the length of the chapters will vary.
> 
> Let me remind you that this story is a(nother) sequel of In The Dark so it refers to what happened there.
> 
> Thinking about it, it can also be considered a sequel to The Will Of Fire, my second fic, that is Itachi and Shisui centric, with dark Shiita content and very evil Danzo. I tend to consider certain details and events as 'canon behind the screen', that, basically 'happened' but they're too adult oriented to be mentioned lol.
> 
> Forgive any mistake, I'm not a native English speaker. Google Doc is now also correcting my grammar, I'm sure it's right but certain things sound so weird to me now.
> 
> On a different note, I saw Chomai's shisasu fanarts, especially one, on twitter and wow. So in love. Such beautiful things inspire me to write this pairing even more.

> " _If I don't go crazy, I'll lose my mind  
>  __I saw a life before me but now I'm blind" (Death In Vegas, Leather)_

"I did it...I killed him".

Sasuke replied promptly. Just as promptly Shisui jumped on him, pinning him on the ground, a knee on his stomach.

"Why the hell did you do it?"

Sasuke understood why enemies were so afraid of him: he had never seen his cousin looking so scary, but, of course, when he was a child he hadn't done anything really bad.

He hadn't killed his cousin's best friend.

He hadn't killed the one his cousin had loved more than anything and anyone in the world, even more than his own family.

_He hadn't killed the one who, for his cousin, had been more than a relative and more than a best friend._

_Because Shisui and Itachi had loved each other._

_Even in their war torn world, even not knowing how to love, since their mothers and fathers couldn't afford to show them, and they only had each other to figure it out._

* * *

Sasuke opened his mouth but the words didn't come out.

_I killed my own brother, the one I loved the most, because I was too stupid to understand that everything he had done was to protect my useless self._

Shisui put one arm on his throat.

"Answer me!"

He growled.

"He told me to…"

Sasuke managed to whisper.

"What the hell are you saying? He loved you more than anything!"

Shisui screamed, punching the boy in the face.

"He loved you more than he ever loved me!"

He furiously punched him again, and again.

"He loved you more than he ever loved me!"

Sasuke didn't even realize that he was repeating Itachi's words from the massacre night.

"If you want to kill me, despise me, hate me, and live in an unsightly way... Run, and cling to life, and then some day, when you have the same eyes as I do, come before me..."

Shisui couldn't understand as the younger's voice was broken and barely audible and what he said made no sense, he was just confused and livid and desperate and he couldn't stop hitting the boy, until he did, only to grab his throat again with both arms.

Sasuke didn't even try to stop him and free himself.

_He should have told him the whole story but he couldn't. Besides, why should he?_

_If this was his moment so be it._

_Itachi had given him life sacrificing his own but this was a fair end for him._

_It wasn't different from what Itachi had wanted, to die by his hands._

_It was only right to pay for his sins with death._

_It was only right to die by the hands of another Uchiha._

_It was only right to die by the hands of Itachi's best friend._

He was about to faint; he was about to die and see his brother again.

_He would apologize for all the mistakes he made in his life and he would tell him that he had found Shisui alive, that he had done one good thing at least._

The thought made his lips curl upwards ever so slightly, yet Shisui noticed it, despite his frenzied state.

It made no sense; nothing did. Why wasn't his cousin fighting back, as expected of someone who killed his own brother? Why did he even kill him?

As the younger was about to faint for the lack of oxygen the elder forced his right eye open to probe into his mind.

* * *

Shisui had seen the war at a young age and with it all kinds of horrors. He had been assigned difficult missions and he had witnessed -and participated in- acts of violence, fights and assassinations many times; yet he wasn't prepared for what he saw in the eyes of the young pale boy choking beneath him.

_Sasuke's memories and not only his, for he had Itachi's eyes._

_Shisui could see both, like the two faces of the same, painfully carved coin._

He saw when everything ended, even though it was only the beginning: Itachi slaughtering everyone, crying before ending his parents' lives, beating up Sasuke and calling him worthless killing, so that he would have something to hold on to: revenge against the one he had loved the most.

He saw Sasuke's pain _,_ every time he sneaked into the compound and cried his eyes out, knowing that no one would hear him there, every time he tried to numb it after a day of training ending in loneliness, every time his world crumbled when a piece of truth shattered his knowledge and control of the world around him, of his goals and his very sense of self, for he was only a tool, for revenge, for avengement, for anything except his own life.

He saw Itachi's pain, when he had to destroy Sasuke's life in order to keep him alive, when once more he had to beat up and humiliate his brother so not to blow his cover, when, during their final fight -while it was also his final fight with death- he had to scare him over and over to free him from Orochimaru's curse mark and give him the revenge he had been looking for, just like he had told him to.

He saw Sasuke's desperation upon learning the truth, his guilt for not having understood it, for having killed his beloved brother and his determination to obtain justice for him, to avenge his sacrifice against the very system that made it happen.

He saw Itachi's horror when he was brought back, realizing that he would be used against the village he had protected, his wit in freeing himself using the countermeasures he had taken to push Sasuke on the road he had paved for him, his attempt to flee so not to further traumatize him as they accidentally met in the woods, his emotions upon hearing his desperate plea for attention, his pride fighting with him and seeing how strong he had become.

He saw Sasuke's confusion seeing his dead brother moving, speaking, and yet still not paying attention to him. His determination to follow him, his happiness as his dream to fight by his side was coming true and nothing else mattered, only that happiness, and, soon after, a sadness just as immense, seeing him leave again forever.

He saw Sasuke's new resolve to bring back those who could explain to him Itachi's ideals, his effort in fighting a war only to follow said ideals and honor his sacrifice once more, and his refusal to die until he achieved his brother's goal.

He saw Sasuke's final rebellion, unexpected for his allies yet quite predictable for him, considering that the boy's most beloved person died hated by the village he had protected in secret, so he didn't know better than to imitate him, his personal epitome of perfection.

He saw Sasuke's defeat, for he was just a boy with the strongest willpower but confused ideas, and his acceptance of a punishment that would have granted his brother justice, being a part of the change in the system.

He saw blackness, when Sasuke was imprisoned, tied up and not only blindfolded but also his eyes sealed, a torture even harder for a doujutsu user, especially when his perception was altered by pain from his severed arm and from the multiple beatings and tortures he was given every time he didn't behave.

_At first, then every time they wanted, as they all seemed to hate Sasuke deeply, not only for his desertion but also for his being an Uchiha._

_Back in his days it happened frequently, because most people blamed their clan for Kyuubi's attack during which The Fourth Hokage died. It had happened to him, and also to Itachi. Both had proved their teammates to be stronger than all of them; his cousin didn't have such possibility, since he couldn't even move freely, and yet he had managed to kill some of his abusers once, before he was forced into a straight jacket, and rendered completely helpless._

He saw without seeing, because sharingan was mostly about vision but it also recorded other sensory impressions.

_Sasuke was thrown in the hands -literally- of monsters under the guise of shinobi from his same village, who under the pretext of reeducation they tortured him like the worst enemy, abusing him physically and mentally, until he was no longer realizing what was happening around him and what was going on in his head only, and even later -even now- the little memories he had of that period were so obscure and confusing that he doubted his own mind. Besides, Kakashi had explained to him that those voices calling him worthless and more, those hands touching him everywhere, were caused by guilt, for he was a criminal who had committed many sins so he had a lot to feel ashamed of._

He saw more than Sasuke did, for sharingan memories were what eyes and other senses registered, while hallucinations came from the subconscious, yet he could feel the pain, the horror, the fear, the guilt, the hopelessness, the humiliation, the resignation, the apathy Sasuke felt throughout his imprisonment.

He saw the blinding lights when the seal was removed, when he was reconditioned through genjutsu and mind control techniques by Yamanaka shinobi and Kakashi Hatake, whom he remembered quite well as he used to be hated by the clan for wielding a sharingan without being an Uchiha, and whose lies and attempt to control his cousin through manipulation Shisui could see through.

_Sasuke had eternal mangekyou sharingan on one eye and rinnegan on the other; he was possibly the strongest person alive together with the Uzumaki boy, but unlike the latter he was an independent thinker whose strongest loyalty had been to his brother, so he was hard to control. Unless he was weakened in body, mind and spirit, unless his already low self-esteem, as well as his ideals and his very sense of purpose were destroyed completely._

_Through violence in a jail or loneliness in a journey all alone it didn't matter._

* * *

It was overwhelming.

It lasted only a few minutes but it seemed an eternity of weeks, months, years of suffering.

Shisui came to his senses hearing the other's coughing, feeling his abdomen contracting beneath him, as he was still sitting atop Sasuke and his hands were still on the other's throat, although his grip had loosened without him noticing.

A few minutes earlier he had jumped on the younger, ferally driven by anger, confusion and instinct, and he had almost killed him; now he was deflated, devoid of all energy, his back hunched and his head hung low.

Tears welled in his eyes as he opened them and looked at the one breathing heavily below him, his eyes just as teary.

"I'm sorry..."

They both muttered, almost in unison.

One for killing his most important person, and for existing, because everything Itachi did was to keep him alive.

One for killing himself, leaving alone his most important person, because everything Itachi did was a consequence of being alone and desperate.

Unable to get off Sasuke despite feeling his discomfort, after having been attacked and hurt by him, the elder tries to regain a vague appearance of composure, holding himself on the younger's chest.

* * *

A thunder whipped the sky in the distance.

"Its not your fault".

Shisui broke the long silence that had fallen in the room.

"You couldn't have understood it….you couldn't have read Itachi".

He spoke again, when Sasuke looked at him.

"You know...I was always praised for my ability to read people...the elder said that it's why I, of all Uchiha, had a power such as kotoamatsukami".

Another thunder, this time so strong that the earth above them seemed to shake.

Storms in the Land of Water lasted days, but the hideout was perfectly insulated.

"I could read Itachi too. Especially when he was a child. As he was growing up though, it became more and more difficult. In the end I couldn't read him anymore, but I didn't realize it. He was the best liar...He lied to me as well. Many times.".

Sasuke coughed involuntarily, because of the other's weight placed upon him.

"You saw it in Itachi's memories when he showed you, didn't you? How Danzo had already spoken of suppressing any attempt of rebellion in the clan with blood...you saw it. I didn't know instead...he didn't tell me. I saw that he was worried but he convinced me that he could deal with everything...".

His voice got lower with each word, as he hadn't used it for years and he hadn't said so many words since he had awakened.

"It was impossible and I should have understood. I should have known better. I should have protected him..."

He whispered, then he collapsed on top of Sasuke, who could have slid away from the elder, and yet he didn't.

He just remained there, under that heavy but warm body, letting the tears flow freely, like the memories Shisui had just seen, the memories that never left him.

"I should have understood instead...I'm his brother...I should have _felt_ it".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have always been interested in the idea that we never really know each other, no matter how close we are, because we don't tell everything for a series of reasons, because things are subjective anyway so they're filtered even if we don't realize it. Sharingan shows the other person's memories, it's objective and it's very interesting for me (like all kinds of non verbal ways to show things, like when Naruto showed his feelings through his Kyuubi's chakra).
> 
> It's interesting to write Shisui because in canon he's not exactly flashed out as well as Itachi and Sasuke. He is Itachi's role model, in the Itachi Shinden episodes he taught him that everyone, even enemies, fight for their peace, so he's good at putting things into perspective, not thinking one-way (such as 'only konoha matters, we're the best and we deserve everything'). I think he also knew Konoha's dark sides and that the system was corrupted even if he tried to keep peace and safety.
> 
> In this AU where he survived (and I still can't spoil details) he remembers Danzo as an enemy, not as the other side of Hiruzen, because he is the one who provoked his death. And getting to know what he did to Itachi, he would hate him even more. I mean, even if you support peace in your village, after being poisoned to death, after having been attacked with your eye pulled out, after getting to know that the one you love the most was forced to slaughter your whole clan, if you're dumb you'd think it's ok, but if you're a genius like Shisui was said to be, you kinda come to your own conclusions. Especially not having a little brother to keep safe no matter what like Itachi did. At least it's what I think and write in this AU.
> 
> Shisui strikes me as a physical person, because of some details in the Shinden anime, unlike Itachi who actually is physical only with Sasuke, who, instead, is passive and not exactly physical but he tends to let his close ones (and others sometimes lol) act freely around him, only rarely protesting, so I want to write this dynamic.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments. I'm gonna edit this because for me it's important and some people didn't get it.
> 
> I received a lot of comments like 'more', 'good chap now next one' 'write the next one asap' 'when will u update' (repeated over and over) 'nice story pls update soon' and they pissed me off NOT because they are short! but because they sound rude, entitled and not appreciative towards the time and effort I put in writing well.  
> AGAIN! I am totally ok with being enthusiastic but not having much to say but in the comments I mentioned I don't see any appreciation towards the story.  
> LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK! I referred to the fact that some people just write to pressure the author into writing more! Not against the fact that people write random short comments! See the difference?

> _"Certain things never stop going through my mind_  
>  _I'm a hero but unfortunately at times I'm worthless_  
>  _I smile looking at the sun" (Translated from F. Moro- Respiro 'Breath')_

The following day they went outside.

Sasuke gave Shisui his cloak, since the shirt and pants he had found as he had pulled the elder off the machines were not warm enough.

A cold pale sun peeked from grey clouds but for his cousin it was more than he had had in years, Sasuke could tell from the way he looked around, discovering every tree, every bush, every rock as if he had never seen one, and from his memories, for he had felt the same after being released from jail, when, after taking only a few steps outside the prison, he had started feeling dizzy because the light was strong and there were flowers and their smell and birds chirping and from the black pit of despair and nightmares he had been, he had forgotten that these things existed.

_The sun on his cheeks had felt like the caress of a mother; he had felt unworthy of receiving such warmth, for he was a traitor, a criminal who had deserved the punishment he had been put through, and who deserved even more, but Konoha, in the shape of the Sixth Hokage Kakashi, had been magnanimous pardoning him and letting him roam free._

A bird with white and blue feathers captured his attention. Sasuke explained that it was a jay, just like the brown and teal ones they had in the Land of Fire, where it never snowed, unlike here.

"Where is 'here'?"

Shisui asked then.

"That's why you came by boat," Shisui commented upon learning that they were in the Land of Water.

_Sasuke hadn't mentioned it, but he had seen it in his memories._

"I've never been...here. They were enemies. I remember Kirigakure shinobi tried to infiltrate our territory once but we pushed them back".

He recalled.

* * *

They gathered mushrooms.

There was enough food in the hideout but since outside there were many tasty ones they would have been a nice addition, and since Sasuke remembered Juugo always picked them, he did it almost automatically.

_Suigetsu would hunt little animals sometimes but he couldn't eat them, as after the massacre the images of his butchered mother, father and everyone he knew, came to his mind whenever he saw a plate of anything that used to have a heart._

_Juugo didn't eat meat either, and upon knowing about him, he started to gather more and more mushrooms whenever he could._

_Everyone seemed to agree on them: even dd, who would always complain whenever they had only vegetables, liked them._

Shisui liked the soup. He said that he would have never imagined eating food prepared by little Sasuke, as once it was him the one to cook for the other, despite the terrible results.

Sasuke widened his eyes, the elder's words bringing back an episode he had forgotten; maybe because the rice was sticky and the vegetables burnt, but they had had a good time.

_Besides, after the massacre he had eaten sticky rice and burnt vegetables many times, not being able to cook and trying to imitate the actions his mother did so flawlessly, making it seem so much simpler._

Later, after a relaxed chat where his cousin reminded him of another failed attempt at cooking for him where he had to eat everything out of politeness and sheer hunger after having trained, Sasuke asked him a different question.

"It's a long trip to this place...Do you remember how you came here?"

Shisui's look got lost in vague memories, his lips turned downwards.

_He used to be a team leader, a top-notch, clan leader level shinobi, and yet he didn't have answers to such basic questions. It was humiliating._

"No idea...the only place I remember was like this but I could hear the sound of water. A waterfall maybe".

Along the course of the Naka river there were several waterfalls. Even Orochimaru had a little space in one of its plunge pools and he stayed there once, to meditate and prepare himself before the sannin taught him his trademark body replacement technique.

_Maybe they were close and he didn't know. What a failure he was, not understanding his brother's intention and not sensing his cousin's presence._

_Those voices -nightmares, Kakashi said, coming from his guilty conscience- were right, he was worthless._

He was about to say something else but he stopped.

"What else do you remember?"

Sasuke asked, waiting for the other to gather his thoughts, but Shisui was unexpectedly fast.

"When I woke up I couldn't see...when I could see I couldn't move...when I could move...I was defeated. That's all".

He mumbled, along with the excuse to need some fresh air.

* * *

Resting was a luxury Sasuke wasn't always granted.

After the massacre, he either cried himself to sleep or he trained to exhaustion until fatigue got the best of him; under Orochimaru he was alert even during the night -until he just let the snake do what he wanted at any time, as long as he became stronger- and with Team Taka he was often haunted by insomnia and the overwhelming urge to revise his plan, his next moves, everything he needed to avenge his brother, that's, when he could afford it, he would close his eyes, and sink into slumber.

_He didn't even know if he was awake or asleep when he was in jail: he just knew that nightmares were worse than ever, because he was a criminal and he deserved those voices calling him names and those hands touching him all over._

Here too he seemed to not be able to sleep, as in the middle of the night he was awakened by Shisui's screams.

He rushed to him, as he might have been in pain for some unknown aftereffect of no longer receiving chakra from the machine.

He placed his hand on the elder's forehead to check his temperature, but he didn't have a fever; realizing that he was having a nightmare he first called the elder, then he tapped his arm lightly, trying to make him come back.

He didn't even have time to move, let alone prevent the other from headbutting him in the nose.

The pain was strong and the blood loss was massive; but Shisui had seemingly calmed down, so he left to take care of his injury using the machine.

As he was pulling his cousin off it, he had been considering using it to heal wounds, eventually, activating its chakra in a lower scale and directing it to a specific area, and so he did, proving his previous intuition to be right.

When he finished he tried to catch some rest but all his thoughts went to his cousin and his nightmares, hoping that they were not as horrible as his own.

* * *

When he woke up he had no idea what time it could be, or where his cousin could be.

Maybe he felt bad and left, looking for something or someone to help him, even if he was right there. Maybe he didn't want anything to do with him, and he had intentionally almost broken his nose the previous night.

A silent panic crept inside him: what if Shisui left him?

He rushed outside, to another grey and damp day, looking for tracks of the other's passage, and after some minutes he found him.

He was picking mushrooms.

"Itachi once told me how strange it was, for someone with a sweet tooth like him, that his little brother liked bitter roots... "

And roots. He had some in his hands as well.

"...A little quantity of them adds balance to the taste…"

The younger replied, dumbfounded, instinctively quoting his mother, who sometimes explained to him cooking related things, making him taste foods in the process.

The elder seemed to not remember what had happened.

Or maybe he did, subconsciously, and picking vegetables was an apology.

* * *

After a few days of exercises to obtain complete control of his limbs' movements and strength, he offered the younger to spar.

Sasuke was thrilled, as this was one of his child's dreams coming true.

_As well as working in the Uchiha Police Force with his father and brother._

_As well as his father being proud of him just like he was of his older brother._

"You're good for someone whose first attempt to do a flying kick ended with his butt in the mud!"

He was swift and graceful, even more so considering his handicap.

The elder joked, referring to a particularly embarrassing moment of his childhood. Pretending to not see that he was missing an arm.

"Are you holding back because of my arm?"

He asked, his rhythm getting faster. The other didn't lie: maybe he was, as he didn't find it fair otherwise.

"Who cares about fair!" Sasuke's fist almost reached his cousin's face.

"You don't have to".

Shisui smirked, tilting his head on the side to dodge the punch, increasing his own rhythm until he cornered Sasuke against a tree.

Then he got closer, his long curls brushing the younger's cheeks and clavicle.

"I have an idea..."

He whispered while his hand travelled from Sasuke's chest to his hips and thigh. There he stopped, undoing the bandage that like every shinobi the other carried on him. He put distance between them while he tied his left arm.

Remembering what he saw -and what he didn't see but easily understood from the boy's memories, Shisui was surprised that was so calm with him so close.

Thinking again and remembering what he saw -and what he didn't see but easily understood, it was just as understandable that he would be used to having his personal space invaded in a more or less inappropriate way, to say the least.

Sasuke stayed silent and still during the other's ministrations.

_He held his breath though; when was the last time someone got so close and he wasn't tied up in a straight jacket? Even though Kakashi had been clear: those were just nightmares._  
_Everything was, he could blame his guilty conscience for them._

His second guess was right, he realized, after another exchange that ended with the boy taking advantage of a moment of distraction provoked by said thoughts, and cornering him against the same tree.

There he got dangerously close to him, so much that he could feel strands of his messy hair brushing his clavicle, and his arm travelling from his chest to his waist and tickling him for a second, and when he put distance between them he was smirking, holding the bandage in his hand.

"I told you...You don't need to hold back".

* * *

He should have known, for no one had ever held back with Sasuke, who had been raised by a father who constantly compared him to his genius brother thus he was used to not being on the same level as his opponent, and to strive to get to their level.

He didn't need to be treated fairly, not even when sparring.

He wasn't fair either. It was also obvious from the way he fought.

Shinobi weren't samurai, they were not bound by rules of honor, but still, they had their honor and there were limits that his cousin didn't have.

Kakashi had been called a fraud for using a sharingan that wasn't supposed to exist on someone who wasn't Uchiha; Orochimaru was a mad scientist who didn't even know what morals and loyalty where; even Itachi, his role model, had lived a life of deceit to protect him and the village: no wonder he fought in an unpredictable manner, graceful and lethal, using mixed techniques.

Sasuke didn't want fair; from the following time on, Shisui didn't give him.

* * *

They both were serious when fighting, and at the same time they both enjoyed themselves.

Like the time he made Sasuke fall on his back and reached out his hand to lift him up, but once he got a hold of his hand he threw him on the opposite direction, or so he tried, because Sasuke grabbed his ankle and threw him off balance so they both ended on the ground, straddling and pinning the other before being pushed off.

"You really are Orochimaru's pupil, you're good at playing unfair"

Sasuke smirked.

"You too...I'm surprised at how good you are at it".

"Only because you didn't know how I fought…"

Shisui used to be fairer _-like Itachi, back when he could afford it-_ but his past was different: he had fought in the war when he was just a little older than a child, and in his genin days he had harbored jealousy for a teammate. They were rivals and they became friends but at the same time Shisui felt an irrational need to be better than him, and this made the worst side of him come out, so that when, during a difficult mission, he should have rushed to save him, he had hesitated albeit for just a moment and that moment had been enough to cause his friend's death.

_His friend's death gave him mangekyou sharingan, and with it remorse and guilt, that only when Itachi came into his life quieted down._

"I wasn't exactly perfect..."

For Itachi you were, Sasuke thought, his mind filled with Itachi's memories where they trained or discussed important matters, where his perfect older brother asked him things, as someone who knew better.

Sharingan memory was partial, as it only referred to what sharingan eyes saw while activated, thus Sasuke missed many things about his brother and his cousin.  
The time Shisui had told Itachi how he had obtained his mangekyou, when he had fought hard to appear composed and not cry or look too guilty and ashamed of himself, because he couldn't fail in front of the younger who looked up to him, and who had understood his suffering anyway, offering his comprehension.  
The time Shisui had kissed Itachi, who had followed his lead as if it were a new technique to learn, and he hadn't understood if the other had liked it or not, until, days later, he had been kissed by him.  
Every time they sparred and when they finished they made love, hiding by the cliff from where he jumped, later.  
_Every time they were summoned by Danzo, who forbade them from activating their eyes, as paranoid as he was about Uchiha spying on him. He surely wouldn't want them to show others what he ordered to his subordinates, for the village and for himself._  
_He wasn't that different from Orochimaru exerting his power over the ones he experimented on, but luckily for them it didn't last long; it was too dangerous to have two Uchiha so close, no matter how much he enjoyed humiliating them, and he had many others who could pleasure him._  
_When those horrible things ended for good, Shisui deleted the memory of the worst moments from Itachi's mind; not all of them because he didn't want his cousin to lower his guard against him._

_Using kotoamatsukami on his cousin, whose ability with doujutsu and genjutsu were second only to his, was easier than he expected, so much that it gave him the idea to use it on Fugaku, as the clan leader, maybe even on the Uchiha elders._  
_He knew that he would have had to deal with the dishonor of delivering the lowest blow to his clan in their whole history, but he was prepared to live with it, as it was better to kill their pride than their lives._

Sparring became a habit for them. When it didn't rain they did it outside, when it did they did it inside, as they cleared the biggest room in the hideout for this purpose.  
It was pleasant, not only for Shisui but also for Sasuke, whose only activity after being released from jail was walking endlessly.  
_Even though the time and mode were different they both had been imprisoned._  
_They both had been robbed of their freedom._  
_Physically and mentally, the consequences of the latter being different for each of them._  
Inside they were even more focused on each other, as there was nothing else to be distracted by.  
Inside Sasuke noticed the many scars on Shisui's body, and the dark look he had whenever he landed a blow on his face, especially close to his eyes.  
He wondered if it was because he had plucked his own eye or because Danzo had done it.  
He also noticed his curls bouncing around him and the way he licked his lips while stretching his muscled arms.  
Inside Shisui noticed the scars on Sasuke's body, not as many as his, but he had a missing arm making them even, in a way.  
He wondered if he was still in pain for it, if he still felt like he had it.  
He also noticed how pale his skin was in contrast to his pink lips, and nipples, and he felt guilty for it, as the last time he saw this boy he was a child, while he was a young man in love with the boy's older brother.  
_Even though, when he had jumped off the cliff, he had called Itachi his best friend, the only one he could count on, and the other had looked completely natural hearing those words._  
_His last words; they had to be the most sincere, so maybe their love got weaker the stronger their worries became, and now it was a beautiful memory, indirectly brought back through the eyes of Itachi's brother._

* * *

Sasuke was used to teasing and being teased by Suigetsu, or Karin, or Naruto; it was natural for him to do it with his cousin as well.

"Maybe you're getting old"

Besides, he was still cranky at the elder who more or less consciously held back against him during their sparring sessions.

"Maybe spending so much time attached to a machine made you softer"

On the contrary he didn't hold a grudge against the other for his nightly behavior, whenever he checked on him after hearing him scream; he told himself that he was having nightmares but he couldn't ignore his suffering, no matter where it came from, and no matter what it brought him.

"Are you weaker than a man with only one arm?"

They had to interrupt because of a sudden heavy rain, but once inside, Sasuke seemed to not have had enough, so he teased the elder, he took off his soaked shirt and took a fighting stance.

"I don't see any man here..."

Shisui teased back, doing the same.

"...I only see a child who's way too confident…"

_He knew Sasuke wasn't, from the way he only straightened his shoulders and back when he fought and he put a smug façade to appear so; he knew it from the way the younger looked at him, who was taller, keeping his chin down and looking from below upwards with his eyes, in a defensive way, as if he expected to be scolded or worse._

_Even though after the massacre he had been considered a prodigy in his class and by Orochimaru he didn't listen to his peers and he didn't trust the one who would have wanted to get his older brother, in a way, not so different from his father who had always compared him to Itachi -even though he did have the sannin's attention. Even too much._

_On top of all this, the way he had been treated after the war had fueled his low self-esteem._

_He was alone and he hated himself, clearly._

If the child wanted him to be serious he might as well humor him; after all, every day he felt closer to his original strength.

He showed his intention leaping at his cousin at a much higher speed than he used to, and applying much more power to his blows.

Sasuke could barely dodged; hits kept on coming but he smirked, satisfied to see how it was going.

_As expected of someone raised to admire strength._

He started to get used to the difference in intensity and counterattack, in his own personal way.

He had already noticed how the elder hated to be hit around his face so he focused his attacks on that part to make him lose composure and focus.

He would have succeeded, if only the other hadn't lost them too much, and if he hadn't also lost track of where he was and who he was fighting with, if only the other hadn't turned feral.

Sasuke could only protect himself with his arms, but at some point it wasn't enough and the elder kneed him in the gut and pushed him on the ground, kicking him when he was down.

Sasuke almost couldn't breathe, but he was able to throw him off balance using his legs. When he too fell on the ground he pounced on him.

He was trying to pin his arms under his knees when the other tried to headbutt him.

Again.

This time though he stopped midway.

He looked unfocused, with a completely different aura, as he had just woke up. Sasuke was about to get off him but the other grabbed him by the shoulders, albeit not in a threatening way.

"I...did this already...haven't I?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to add, as virtual prequel to this story, not only In The Dark (which is fundamental to understand Sasuke here) but also The Will of Fire, which is the second fic I wrote. TWOF is not fundamental to understand the story anyway, but it's fitting as it's set in canon universe, and it's about Itachi and Shisui's relationship and Danzo's abuse.
> 
> Shisui saw all of Sasuke's memories because he pried in his brain with sharingan (like the time Sasuke pried a random shinobi's mind to obtain killer b's position). He saw also Itachi's memories because Sasuke has his eyes transplanted, BUT while he saw all Sasuke's memories, he saw only Itachi's memories that were recorded with his sharingan because Itachi's memories are in Sasuke's eyes, not in his mind or heart or whatever. I hope it makes sense.
> 
> I wrote a reference to Ao from Kirigakure because he was impressed by Shisui in canon, but I imagined that Shisui hadn't paid much attention to him instead.
> 
> Random Taka memories because I love them, as usual.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first idea for this fic was 'post ending, post jail Sasuke finds Shisui mysteriously attached to a machine, things become dark and traumatic', and it was supposed to be an angsty oneshot. Then a two shot, then a three short chapter thing, but as I started writing, putting drafted notes together and filling the blanks on how things got to that point and so on, it expanded, not as much plot wise but in their interactions and dynamics. I think it's very cool when a snippet expands and becomes something more, and characters move around it and around each other so naturally that they make their own space bigger.
> 
> I always found wanderer Sasuke fascinating, both when alone and especially with Team Taka. I love this rare ShisuixSasuke pairing so much, even if it's overshadowed by Shiita (ofc since they are basically canon!) because given the right circumstances it has so much potential.
> 
> So, since my fics are always more focused on introspection and psychological aspects, feelings and thoughts and sensations, rather than the actual plot, I hope you'll keep it in mind while you read this angsty, weird, atypical slice of life, rarepair, post ending, canon divergent fic, where, anyway, stuff IS happening lol
> 
> In case you can't tell I'm a bird nerd and I like how Sasuke in canon has shown to be close to animals in many occasions, first of all the way he petted his summon hawk in the middle of the war.
> 
> Also, but I think it's pretty clear, Sasuke's self derogatory thoughts are a result of brainwashing and they reflect what he has been conditioned to think about himself and his former goals, not what the author thinks of him. And repetitions are written on purpose, to express his confused mind, brainwashed and conditioned to react hating himself.

> _"So please, please, please_   
>  _Let me, let me, let me_   
>  _Let me get what I want_   
>  _This time_   
>  _Haven't had a dream in a long time_   
>  _See, the life I've had_   
>  _Can make a good man bad" (The Smiths - Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want)_

The rain became so persistent that they had to remain in the hideout for days, so they explored it together, looking for mundane objects they could use for everyday life, knowing that it was customary to create hidden storage spaces that only those who were authorized to be there, or shinobi with experience, could detect.

Their search was successful: some of the lower, naturally embossed parts of the stone walls, were turned into cabinets where they found supplies for cooking, more clothes and covers, ink and paper, even a few scrolls and books.

One was in the chakra machine room.

It was only logical: Obito had transplanted Nagato's Rinnegan eye on himself, and Madara had experimented with Hashirama's cells, although the machine wasn't old enough for his times.

Its structure was different, messier compared to everything created by Orochimaru; probably it was a Kirigakure invention.

When Sasuke had found Shisui he had focused on freeing him from it, figuring out how it worked by himself, so he hadn't looked further -and he certainly hadn't looked further when he had rushed to it to heal his broken nose after Shisui had hit him in his sleep.

He found a hidden cabinet with biologic material, as well as a few handwritten lines on a notebook.

Shisui had been tense and silent since they entered the room.

"Give it to me," he told Sasuke who was giving a quick peek at the notes.

_He suddenly felt anxious, overwhelmed by the need to know if those notes mentioned him and what had happened-what had been done- to him._

"I said. Give it to me," he repeated in an authoritative, threatening tone, as he got closer.

The boy obeyed.

Both were surprised by the other's reaction, as well as theirs.

_Shisui could have snatched it out of the younger's hands but he had exerted authority on him; Sasuke could have protested because he was the one who had found it, but he obeyed naturally, instinctively._

_Maybe because the elder had brought back the memories of a child who dreamed of working with his father and brother and cousin._

_Maybe because he was used to giving orders to his own team, but also to obey to those stronger than him._

He scanned it quickly; not seeing anything about him he gave it back and left the room.

There were explanations on the machine's working. As expected, it had been created in Kirigakure; after all, the Fourth Mizukage had been controlled by Obito.

There were also samples of skin and cells, as well as two pairs of spare eyes, a reminder that Obito had helped Itachi slaughter their clan, and that not only Danzo had stolen Uchiha eyes.

_Obito had been a mystery for Sasuke both when he was with him, believing that he was Madara, and now that he had found his hideout, his machine and his cousin in it, with no explanation of the reason he had seemingly forgotten about Shisui, keeping him alive without using him in the war._

* * *

They didn't have a plan, they just lived day by day, not knowing what to do, their only certainty being to remain there some time.

_Sasuke had always had a goal in life: when he was a child he had to become stronger and worthy of his father's praise, then he had to avenge his family against his brother, then he had to avenge his brother against Konoha, then he had to fight in the war and achieve his brother's dream of peace._

_Too bad he had fallen into the darkness, from which his best friend had saved him, bit he couldn't save him from the punishment he had deserved, and when he had been freed and sent on a journey of atonement he had lost all purpose in life, not feeling the one he was supposed to have: to protect the village, like everyone else, like Itachi._

_Until he had found Shisui._

_Before, he woke up every day without a goal, without a clear idea even, just trying to free himself from the tangles of nightmares and creepy night thoughts he didn't understand; now, as he woke up, his first thought was to check on his cousin._

Shisui once asked if someone in Konoha would be looking for him; Sasuke replied that should something happen they would send a bird.

He didn't add that he was supposed to send reports if he discovered something relevant, on the contrary he pointed out that he wasn't being followed and he didn't have any chakra tracking system on him, that he could detect with his rinnegan.

_And with his instinct, after having been a rogue shinobi for years, but he didn't mention it, as ashamed of himself as he was, of both abilities._

They both felt uneasy mentioning the village but they didn't say it.

_One had been loyal to it and yet he had been attacked and forced to kill himself before they got his eyes and power; one had been turned loyal through prison, isolation and torture._

_One remembered what happened to him; one had been told it was nightmares created by his guilty conscience._

It was Sasuke who broke the uncomfortable silence -something he had never done in Academy or in his genin team, or even later, unless he really wanted to know something.

_Besides, this man was family._

_Even if he had no idea of what had happened to him while he had seen every single detail of his life._

He asked if he was really the one who had taught Itachi to use crows.

_This man knew his brother and everyone else, and Sasuke wanted to know everything about a past he only knew from the sidelines of a child's perspective._

"Itachi and I used crows in a different way: I trained them to detect enemies and send messages, only occasionally acting as diversions, while Itachi put them under genjutsu and used them as substitutes."

Shisui replied.

"Since I had to gain my crows' trust I was surprised by how quickly Itachi had succeeded in doing the same, until I realized he hadn't even tried...Your brother really hated to not be the best at everything..."

He added, smiling nostalgically.

"That's why Brother's crows were so uncharacteristically reckless," Sasuke mused, "especially considering that even self preservation is strong in all animals, crows are even more cautious".

_He was like Itachi's crows too, in a way._

_Like them, he had followed the path his brother had shown him, no matter what it took._

_Like them, he had no self-preservation, for he saw himself as worthless to be more than a tool to achieve a goal._

Shisui explained that he had stopped using them when Itachi had started to use them regularly, as it would have been confusing otherwise. He had kept feeding them for a while, until he had been given the order to spy on his cousin, when, as a silent apology, he had given all of them to the younger.

_When the Third Hokage had given him that order Shisui had felt like a nightmare had come true, as it meant that they knew that Itachi had been infiltrated in Anbu to spy on Konoha._

_Yet he had trusted Hiruzen, naively thinking that he was unaware of Danzo's actions. Until he had seen them together, and by the way they interacted with each other he had understood that they were two sides of the same coin._

Sasuke stayed in silence for a little, taking in the information, keeping under control the weird feeling he had when he stumbled on anything related to the massacre.

_He was a traitor, he had betrayed his friend, his sensei, his village, even his brother's will, and he had been punished already. He wouldn't be forgiven again if he did it again._

Suddenly he told his cousin that he had a hawk, that he, too, didn't use genjutsu on it, that he had trained it the traditional way, that it wasn't always with him because he wanted it to be as free as possible so he had trained it to come back only when called, that anyway it never ventured very far, in fact it was thanks to it that eventual messenger birds from Konoha could find him.

_He wanted his hawk to be free, like he never was._

_Not that he deserved freedom, or anything else, as worthless as he was, despite having been loved and protected by his brother at the cost of his honor, his life and their whole clan._

After another pause he asked Shisui if he had summon animals. The elder replied that he hadn't, that actually he had never seen an Uchiha who had one, probably because they focused, and took pride, only in their doujutsu.

Sasuke told him about his summon hawk Garuda, and his summon snake Aoda.

_For Shisui it was easy to understand that he took pride in them, both from the way he spoke and from his memories._

_He thought about how different Sasuke was from the rest of the clan, having grown up without them, having incorporated other clans' and other shinobi's techniques, just like his mixed fighting style, not just copying others' movements, like all sharingan users could do, but reinterpreting their jutsu in his own way._

The elder replied that he knew because he saw it in his memories, but then realization struck him: the other was well aware of that, and yet, despite being usually aloof, he was telling his cousin things, he was speaking to his long lost relative.

"I would like to see your hawk...I always liked birds..."

He said, and when Sasuke smiled shyly he saw the child who was ignored by his father, and who looked up to his older brother, and to his cousin, as role models.

_It was a beautiful sensation to be looked up to. To be loved. To have a family._

_Shisui used to have one before the war, but then his father had been injured and as a result his mind had stopped functioning properly, so much that he didn't recognize his son anymore, despite said son provided for the family._

_His mother had completely dedicated herself to taking care of her husband; when he had died she had followed soon after._

_The clan was his family, the elders had said; Konoha was his family, Hiruzen had said._

_Later, both families assigned him the same task, to spy on Itachi._

* * *

Sometimes Sasuke reminded him of a child; others he was aware that albeit very young, his cousin was an adult.

_He was aware that Sasuke had grown up earlier and faster than his peers._

_He saw it in his memories._

His face had no trace of the baby fat around his cheeks, that instead were hollow, showing his high cheekbones; his features were delicate but there was a sharpness in them, as if life had chiseled his face with pain and loneliness, underlining his big eyes with darkish circles and a haunted, otherworldly expression. His neck was long and graceful, like his fingers and his legs; upon sparring he realized that the first were callous, as expected of a fighter, and the latter were nimble yet strong. He wasn't muscular, even though his whole body had all the traces of a long training and his muscles were twitching as he moved, he was on the lean side, bones slightly showing in his sides and hips. Remembering his, and his brother's memories, he had always been thinner than Itachi at his age.

He bore a strong resemblance with his brother but there were differences, he was pale and his hair was so black that it almost had a bluish tint, like the feathers of a crow, while Itachi's colors were earthy, warmer and more balanced.

In fact, for Shisui they couldn't be more different.

_He couldn't say he was still in love with Itachi, as too much time -too much life- had passed, but he would have liked to be there for him, instead of giving him his eye before jumping into a cliff._

* * *

That night Sasuke woke up to weird noises.

It was Shisui, in the chakra machine room, hitting the tubes with a scalpel from the cabinet.

The boy tried to stop him but he was pushed away; he didn't stop trying, until he clung to his back, calling him, telling him to wake up.

He succeeded.

Shisui opened his eyes and looked at the scalpel with horror, instantly dropping it on the floor. He couldn't understand why he was in that room and why someone warm was hugging him from behind in a crooked way -without left arm Sasuke leaned on his right side more.

"I...don't know what happened..."

* * *

"Can't you have your arm back with _that_?"

Shisui asked the day after.

At first Sasuke looked at him as if he didn't understand what the other had said.

_He was a traitor, losing an arm was a fitting punishment for having waged war on the village his brother had protected, and against his best friend, whom he had tried to kill, against whom he had directed his strongest jutsu, until both had lost their arm; so when Naruto had accepted having his limb back he hadn't._

_Even if he had paid for his crimes, even if he had been imprisoned, his eyes sealed, his body tied up, humiliated, beaten and other things he couldn't remember because they weren't real, they were just nightmares created by his guilty conscience he had been told, but nevertheless they were part of the punishment._

Shisui understood his thoughts, having seen his memories -having felt what couldn't be seen from that time- but he insisted, counting on the boy's usually pragmatic nature and using his memories and the explanations he was given as arguments.

_He had memories about the machine, but he only understood them because of Sasuke's, as no one had explained anything to him before._

_No one even talked to him anymore, it was just him and his pain and loneliness and fear and anger -but he didn't have to think about that, he told himself, pushing it all back inside._

"I had no idea about all these things before I saw your memories but..didn't you say that Madara did something with a piece of flesh from the First? And even that flash wouldn't be enough there is Zetsu's, and since both can regrow pretty much everything, a hybrid of their cells and the chakra machine should work on you, right?

The chaotic and simple way he spoke sounded optimistic, fresh, completely new to Sasuke's ears.

"Besides...I am tired of holding back with you…"

He added, smirking.

"Tch. I said you don't have to..."

Sasuke replied automatically.

So far he had always come up with plans and he had never been limited by morals or anything else, as expected from Orochimaru's pupil; now he was limited by guilt but somehow his cousin had pierced through its thick muddy wall.

_Maybe because they were far from Konoha._

_Maybe because he was family._

"I could...implant those cells on my arm and use the tubes to create a chakra saturated space where growth would be accelerated and magnified...to activate the process I could use Orochimaru style body replacement jutsu..."

He says with growing certainty.

"Tell me what to do, we can get to work when you want".

Shisui said, putting a hand on the younger's shoulder.

* * *

One tube was lost but it didn't matter.

It was weird to see Shisui, who had tried to destroy the machine only a few nights before, calmly pushing its buttons.

_Whatever he did in the night had reasons, Sasuke was convinced, even if he didn't understand it, even if the elder wouldn't tell him. Even if the elder didn't remember, or understand either._

"Wait," He told Sasuke, before the procedure started.

"It's going to be painful. You'll lose control of yourself, you won't be able to stand up".

"I can take pain. If I stand up I am able to control everything better...you just keep the machine in check".

He replied. He would have liked to ask how he knew it, but he wouldn't have received an answer anyway.

* * *

The pain was excruciating.

Sasuke bit his lip so much that he drew blood; Shisui offered him his arm so he could hold on to him.

Sasuke clawed at it, again and again, trembling.

Making sure that the chakra regeneration space wasn't affected, Shisui pulled the boy towards him.

"It's alright if you scream".

It wasn't, for Sasuke had been raised in admiration of strength, of his brother and father and even cousin, whom his brother admired, and strong shinobi didn't scream no matter how strong the pain was.

_Shisui had tried not to scream back then._

_He had succeeded._

_Until he had failed._

Sasuke leaned in the elder's embrace, resting his head on his shoulder, breathing through his nostrils as he moaned in pain.

_Shisui's scent had almost a calming effect._

_If only he didn't feel as if someone was pulling his bone out of his skeleton._

The vibrations on his skin reached Shisui's body as quickly as those moans reached his ears.

* * *

When it was over, Shisui's arm was covered in bruises.

When it was over, Sasuke had a left arm.

He couldn't control it well yet but he would get better in a short time.

_The weight on his heart hadn't left, but somehow, for a very short time, before thoughts haunted him, reminding him who he was and what he had done, despite having a new limb, he felt almost lighter. Almost happier._

* * *

That night he had nightmares.

He hadn't had any since he had found Shisui; he couldn't tell where he was and who was with him, he could only see the darkness and he could only hear voices, telling him that he was a worthless traitor who didn't deserve that arm, or anything else.

He opened his eyes -was he awake or still sleeping though?- but the voices resounded in his ears, before turning into one. Shisui's.

Only he couldn't understand what he was saying, and he couldn't understand why he was sitting on top of him holding a scalpel, he just observed him silently as he ran the blade over his chest, feeling its cold burn as it cut him.

When it ran to his new arm he tensed, because he knew that he didn't deserve it and he was ashamed of it but he wanted it so badly that, not even realizing, he whispered a barely audible 'please'.

Oddly enough, the elder heard it and dropped the tool.

Sasuke placed his hands on the other's thighs slowly, lightly, almost a wordless thanks.

Shisui did the same with his hands on Sasuke's, then he pulled them away, pinning them over his head, clawing at them like the boy had done to him during the arm regrowth procedure.

He lowered himself on him, so that he covered him completely with his body, so that his hips ground on the younger's.

Please, he whispered, and Sasuke didn't understand because his tone wasn't mocking, or scared, or begging.

Please, he repeated as he brushed his lips over his collarbone, descending on his new arm, biting it so strongly that Sasuke moaned in pain.

That sound he made, and the involuntary jolt upwards of his body, incited the elder who gyrated on him more and more, deeper and deeper; he moved in sync not even realizing it, while his lips were forcibly parted by the other's fingers.

Please, they both moaned, not knowing why, as their hips ground against each other's until they came.

* * *

It was just a nightmare that had transformed into a weird dream, Sasuke thought upon waking up and feeling the lingering sensations on his body.  
It was just a dream, he told himself remembering the cold burn and seeing the faint trail of blood from a cut.

It was just a dream, he reminded himself looking at the bite mark on his arm and the finger shaped marks around his mouth.

Just a nightmare that had transformed into a weird dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke is aloof but when he wants to know something he asks, as it's shown in canon on many occasions, with different characters with whom he has totally different relationships. He is sincere and honest when he speaks, so, in this case, I wanted him to show his naive side with Shisui, because he is family, and Sasuke remembers when he was a child who trusted him.
> 
> Even though there are many things he doesn't know and would like to know about him.
> 
> Like I said already, Sasuke has been brainwashed (in In The Dark) and conditioned into thinking that he was wrong with his ideals, so every time he has a memory about anything related to them, to his brother and/or any independent thought about Konoha, he feels bad, guilty, wrong. So, in this case, he feels guilty thinking about his Rinnegan, and about his rogue times. Also, his brainwashing being recent he has a lot of 'cognitive dissonance' and he's haunted by memories of what happened in prison, that he can't remember and that he has been told was not real, so he's totally confused.
> 
> I read somewhere that Shisui used crows too, but I never saw anything about them in canon. Anyway. I assumed his relationship with them is more traditional, kinda like Sasuke with his hawk.
> 
> Sasuke respects his own animals very much. Itachi used crows around all the time in a reckless way, as substitutes, and he burned Shisui's eye crow which is a no-no lol, so I assumed he made them risk their lives with genjutsu.
> 
> More birds talk: in my tumblr post-ending screenshot edits/AUs (or was it also in another fic? omg I forgot) I kinda hinted that Garuda is the same as his normal sized hawk, not here though.
> 
> Also in my native language everything has a grammatical gender and animals are not things so this 'it' annoys me, but not knowing if Sasuke's hawk is a male or a female I followed English grammar (even tho in my language a hawk would be a boy unless specified lol)
> 
> In canon Shisui's motivations or thoughts aren't flashed out much, also because he's quickly attacked then he dies so there is no time and the story focuses on Itachi's feelings about that moment more, just showing him as a hero who sacrifices himself.
> 
> In my fic I show him from the perspective of someone who survived that 'death', who lived a horrific situation (you'll read it soon lol), and who sees things in a different way, developed through his personal experience. But this is something I'll explain when the time is right.
> 
> Databook experts, don't hate me if the arm growth procedure is not logical or smth. For me it'is relevant for the plot, and my reasoning behind it is that Sasuke can implant a mix of Hashirama and Zetsu's cells on his stub. Hashirama's cells made Naruto's arm grow, and Zetsu's cells are always useful imo. Unlike Madara who did that creepy Hashirama skin thing on his chest, developing Rinnegan very much later, Obito has this machine which makes the process quicker. And, Sasuke knows Orochimaru's techniques like that slimy substitution he used against Itachi.
> 
> Shisui does things in his sleep. Weird, dangerous things.
> 
> Before you'll have an explanation, I thought that somnambulist sex is kinda hard to have, unless the other person is totally ok with it. In their situation, with Sasuke being confused and traumatized too, I think it's impossible. But it's not impossible to have something like frottage, dry humping or whatever you call it. The good old teenager thingie that I find very inspiring to write.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this beginning. Repeated concepts are written on purpose, to express Sasuke's mind, which is brainwashed and guilt tripped so he has these repeating derogatory thoughts beacuse of his conditioning, and because unlike in the past he's alone, without Taka or others, so he only has his own mind.
> 
> Also, stream of consciousness. Sasuke's derogatory thoughts are what he thinks of himself, having a low self esteem and even more after all that happened, they are not what the author thinks.
> 
> I assumed that Sasuke spent one year in jail, considering canon (the anime) and In THe Dark.
> 
> While I was mentioning Juugo I felt the urge to write some dark Juusasu. Juusasu is an underrated pairing with potential, both sweet and dark. Suisasu too, actually. But Juusasu. wow. End digression.
> 
> When Obito called Sasuke 'fellow traitor' during the war, I found it fascinating. Too bad it wasn't developed because Obito was already connected to Naruto and the whole redemption thing, and to Kakashi, so he wasn't given interactions with Sasuke, who had actually met him earlier, when he was Tobi, and since they both are Uchiha and they both are 'traitors' I liked this little thing very much and I'm sorry there wasn't more.


End file.
